I AM, I SAID

I am a girl.  I am a woman.  I am a daughter, a mother, a sister, a niece, an aunt, and a cousin.

I am a friend.  I am a good friend to some, a great friend to a few, and a lousy friend to a few others.  I am not afraid to try new things.  I am scared to death of many things.

I am shy.  I am outgoing.  I am friendly.  I am self-conscious.  I am a lot of fun.  I am hilarious.  I am a loner and I am sometimes very, very dark.

I am unique.  I am ordinary.  I am a hard worker.  I am an asthmatic.  I am a runner, I am artistic, I am creative.  I am not a very good writer.

I am blonde.  I am curvy.  I am overweight.  I am in better shape today than I was ten years ago.  I am aging well, but I am aging way too rapidly.

I am a recovering infertile woman.  I am a recovering hopeless romantic.  I am one who tends to do everything to excess.  I am blessed.  I am cursed.  I am grateful for what I have, and I am jealous of what others have that I do not.

I am a drama queen.  I am overly emotional.  I am too willing to share too many private details of my life.  I am also very, very secretive and I am often holding in way too much.

I am almost always stressed out.  I am almost always looking for ways to blow off steam.  I am always too busy and I am always over-scheduled.  I am a huge fan of naps.

I am happy a lot.  I am sad a lot.  I am so proud of my beautiful child.  I am often afraid I am a disappointment to those who love me.  I am extremely disappointed in certain people I thought I could count on.  I am lucky for those people in my life who I CAN count on, because I am certain they will always be there for me no matter what.

I am gullible.  I am naive.  I am terrified of what the future holds.  I am a single mom, I am getting divorced, and I am uncertain of what comes next.  I am in love.  I am also learning to trust again, but terrified to do so.

I am confused a lot.  I am a procrastinator.  I am able to bring my A-game EXACTLY when it is needed.  I am generous to a fault, often to my detriment.  I am also capable of being incredibly selfish.

I am forty two years old.  I am constantly looking for answers, I am constantly looking for shoulders to cry on and I am always happy for new friends to play with. 

I am complicated.  I am trying to figure it all out.  I am learning new things about myself every single day.

I am the good, the bad, and the ugly, all rolled into one.  I am all of these things, and more.

I am certain of nothing but this:

I am me.  And that's all I'll ever want to be.

GOOD (TIMES EIGHT) FRIDAY

Before I had Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to entertain annoy all my friends, I had my blog. It was anonymous and private but it did the trick - it gave me a place to express my every thought and emotion.

Every now and again, I go back and read passages from my original blog. No matter how many years go by, I am instantly brought right back to that world I lived in for far too long. A world of pain, disappointment and constant uncertainty.

That all changed for me on Good Friday eight years ago. All the struggling and pain and sacrifices we had endured were resolved for once and for all. I remember everything about that day. I remember what I was wearing. I remember my phone call to Anthony. I remember seeing my mom and falling apart with tears of joy and relief. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Eight years. Wow.