RECOVERY

Today is a good day.

For the first time in a long time, I am starting to feel like my old self, in so many different ways.

For starters, I bought myself a pair of capri jeans today. Which, in and of itself, is not so earthshatteringly important.

What IS important is that I bought them in the next size smaller than the smaller size I started fitting in two months ago.

In other words, I have now dropped 2 full sizes. And as much as I might love eating a hot fudge sundae, there is no describing the happy feeling I get inside me when I am able to put on clothing in a size that I haven't been able to fit into in almost nine years.

I am starting to feel like my old self. To dress in a way that makes me feel good, rather than dressing to hide my larger size behind oversized clothing. I have gone from buying shirts in size "XL" to "M". I am amazed that something as simple as wearing a smaller size impacts me so significantly. I think twice before snacking on something that is not good for me, because I am able to consider that I want to continue fitting in my new smaller clothing. And it is easier to say no to the bad food than it has ever been before.

At the end of last year I was at my highest non-pregnancy weight ever. My unexpected pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage caused a lot of confusion, mixed emotions, and depression, and I self-medicated by pretty much eating everything in sight. At midnight on New Year's Eve 2007, I weighed myself and vowed that I would lose 38 pounds by New Year's Eve 2008.

By Monday the year will be half over, and I have lost 20.6 pounds thus far. Just slightly ahead of my goal.

It isn't only about the weight loss, though. Not to sound cliche, but I just feel so much better than I have felt in a long long time. The regular exercise I am getting these days is repaying me with huge dividends. The more exercise I get, the better I feel, and therefore the more exercise I WANT to get. It is amazing. There are some days that the highlight of my day is my run, and I spend all day looking forward to it, knowing how great I am going to feel when it is over.

I realize that it is going to be hard to lose another 18 pounds over the next six months, but it no longer feels like an insurmountable task. If I can keep focused and keep my head on straight, I really think I can see myself accomplishing this goal.

And boy, has it been a long time since I have been so optimistic about myself and my own abilities.

It feels good to start being a positive person again.

OLD FRIENDS

Spending the day to day with my friend who moved far far away to Kansas, but is here visiting with her two kids. I am really looking forward to it, and I know Amanda is going to have so much fun.

I'll post some pictures of our day together later.

STUPID PATRIOTS!!!!

This past fall, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series!!!!

Yesterday, the Boston Celtics won the NBA Finals!!!!

In February, after an UNDEFEATED SEASON, the New England Patriots....oh....yeah, that's right, we LOST the Superbowl. DAMMIT!

Honestly, though, I am SO happy for Paul Pierce right now. Its been a long time coming.

BIG GIRL BED

I'll admit...when I was younger (lets say, in my twenties) and very naive about such things, I used to snicker when I would hear parents talk about fighting back tears as they sent their children off to their first day of kindergarten. How silly, I would think, to get so emotional over THAT.

There are days that I wish my present-day self could just go back in time and bitch-slap that younger version of me.

Tonight, I disassembled Amanda's crib. While doing so, I commented to Anthony that it felt like "just yesterday" that I was putting it together. It is so, so true that the time just flies with a child. I try hard to savor every moment, but it is almost impossible to do so. There are days I wake up and I would SWEAR that she sprouted three inches overnight. You blink and you almost miss another milestone.

Tonight's milestone got to me more than I expected it to. Anthony is still in Amanda's room as I type this, reading her stories before she goes to sleep for the first time in her "Big Girl Bed." She is SO excited about this bed - she's been asking about one for months but I haven't felt ready to take the leap (and deal with her getting up in the middle of the night, deal with gating the top of the staircase, etc.). But it is time. She was ready.

I was surprised, though, that I wasn't.

I was fighting back tears as I set up the new bed. And once she climbed in - my God - it was all I could do to not cry in front of her. She looked so damn cute.

Our baby is growing up - into a beautiful little girl.

And I am just not emotionally ready!

FROM SIDEBURNS TO SIDELINED

I can't run right now and it is bumming me out, big time.

Imagine that in such a very short period of time, I have grown to CRAVE running. It is the part of my day that I look forward to almost more than anything.

I did run that other 10K on Saturday. HA! What a joke that was! I figured I was well prepared to do another 10K, having run one the previous Sunday. Except for the fact that the first one I ran had THOUSANDS of runners, and the one this past Saturday had - um - 85. EIGHTY FIVE RUNNERS! Do you have any idea how small of a road race that is? And every single person looked extremely athletic, as if I were in a sea of elite runners.

I turned to the woman on my left before they did the starting horn and I said "Holy crap, I am going to come in DEAD LAST."

To which she replied "So what? All that matters is if you finish!"

And I didn't respond back, because I figured it was easy for her to say that when she could look at me and know that SHE wouldn't be coming in last place.

So...I actually ran it in a decent enough time for me, and for it being my second 10K in six years. And I didn't come in last place. In fact I wasn't even the last female finisher.

I finished 82nd. One woman and two older men (in their sixties?) finished after me. Which really shouldn't matter, but for some reason it did. I just couldn't bear the thought of being the final person crossing the finish line. As it was, they were packing up the truck as I finished, and the crowd had long gone home. How depressing. There had been a 5K race before this one (with double the amount of runners, I should have just done that one), and the 10K course was the 5K route twice. I was actually running at a pretty good clip, feeling pretty good about my progress, somewhere between mile two and three, when

WHOOSH!

I was lapped by the first place runner.

Nothing more demoralizing than realizing he was almost done and I was just over a third of the way through. To watch him take a right turn ahead, knowing that I had to take a left and repeat the whole loop was utterly humiliating.

Good times.

BUT...I did finish, and now I have two 10K's under my belt for 2008.

On Sunday, I did participated in the 40th Walk for Hunger in Boston. Which was all fine and good, because it was a walk.

But it was a 20 mile walk.

That took 6 hours.

My feet are COVERED with blisters. They are so incredibly sore that I cannot even THINK about running right now. And the fact that I am sidelined is going to throw my whole training schedule off.

Any suggestions on how to run on blistered feet and not make them worse (not to mention not feel excessive pain)?

*sigh*

SIDEBURNS?

Okay, I am starting to get pissed.

Let me start off by saying that I am not a vain person (I don't think), nor am I overly full of myself or anything like that. In fact when it comes to self-confidence that is ALWAYS an area where I need improvement.

That being said, I don't think that I am an unattractive person. I am no supermodel bombshell by any stretch of the imagination, but I am also not hideous. In the grand scheme of life, I am not the worst thing to look at.

As evidence, here is my picture from my driver's license.



I've got an extra chin there that I could stand to lose, but all in all I don't think I am so bad looking.

Could someone please explain to me why the last two times I went to get my eyebrows waxed, the women asked me if I wanted them to take care of my "sideburns" and my "chin" while they were at it?

Fucking SIDEBURNS? Are you kidding me?

Apparently, when I enter this salon, in sharp contrast to my license photo this is the person they see standing before them:



I'm really starting to get offended. I may need to switch to a new salon.

I mean, HONESTLY!!

SUCCESS

Last Sunday, I ran in a 10K in my hometown of Dedham, MA. It was the first 10K I have run in over six years. Also, it was the second time I have EVER run a 10K by myself (by myself meaning without Anthony running by my side "just in case" I have an asthma attack or get too tired or something like that).

It was cold, and a bit rainy. It was challenging.

But it was also not as hard as I expected it to be. It was not as hard as I remember past 10K's being for me. It was invigorating. It was motivational. It was a LOT of fun.

I've probably only run in a total of four or five other 10K's in my life, all of them between six and eight years ago. Each and every one I felt like I was DYING when I crossed the finish line.

But not this time. This time I felt pretty good. I felt like I could even go another mile or two, if I absolutely needed to. And to see Anthony and especially Amanda on the sidewalk cheering for me as I approached the finish line was the absolute greatest. I've never felt better.

In fact, you can see it in my smile.



Just look at how happy I look in this picture, and this is at the very end of the race. Here, I have been running for just over an hour and I look like I am in paradise, not in pain.

I've got another 10K in the morning, but I am not looking forward to this one as much. I was so fired up for last week, but tomorrow I am just praying I can get through it. Probably the fact that it is going to be even COLDER and WETTER than last week's race, and that this time I won't have a cheering section whatsoever is what has me less-than-psyched.

But...it feels good to be running in road races again, even if it is just for fun. I enjoy it SO much, much more than I ever imagined I would enjoy running. It is good for my body, it is good for my mind, and apparently, it is good for my soul.

Because I feel pretty damn happy these days.