Monday, January 25, 2010


I hate my cell phone. HATE. LOATHE. DESPISE. Can't wait to torch it, or throw it off the roof of a skyscraper, or crush it with my car.

Here are just a few of the many, many reasons that my phone sucks:

- it constantly ass-dials people. and coat-pocket-dials people. and purse-dials people. Even when the keys are locked.

- the key lock feature doesn't work well (see above), unless I need to answer an urgent phone call, and then it is a mad race against time trying to unlock the code and answer before the second full version of the ringtone ends. Usually I am too late and miss the call.

- it can get only one website well. One. So much for web browsing. (Lucky for me, that website is facebook!)

- when I try to call people, it starts a new text message. When I try to text people, it calls them.

- it takes shitty pictures. Actually, that is not true, it generally takes pretty good pictures but you need to have a master's degree in digital electronics to figure out how to use the camera functions. And it always wants to put a dumb-ass cartoon elephant frame around every picture I take. WTF?

- The touch screen feature is WAY too sensitive. When I go to my contacts and click on "A," and I then try to scroll to "B," it screams all the way down to "Z" and wants to keep going and going on infinitely. Dumbass.

- The touch screen feature is WAY too sensitive. Apparently my chin is fat or something, because it always hangs up on my phone calls when it comes within a millimeter of the "end call" button.

- The touch screen feature is WAY too sensitive. Apparently my cheek is also fat or something. I will be talking and suddenly the voice on the other end starts saying "Hello? Hello???? Hellooooo?" and I will realize that my cheek hit the mute button.

- I once set the alarm clock feature on the phone. When the alarm sounded, I couldn't turn it off, even though I kept hitting "dismiss." It would go off, and come back on again two minutes later, louder than before. "Dismiss." Two minutes later, alarm sounds again, this time VERY loud. After twenty minutes of this charade and the volume of the alarm now approaching the sound-barrier, I took the battery out of the back of the phone and didn't replace it for a twenty-four hour period.

- I charge my phone constantly. I plug it in to the charger when I get home. I leave it plugged in until it is fully charged, at 100%. Once unplugged, the battery life is, at most, one hour. Which is extremely convenient for a mobile phone. It needs to always be plugged in in my car. I need to leave it plugged in and charging all day at the office. God forbid I need to actually GO somewhere, I am reachable for about an hour and after that I have to cross my fingers and pray that no one needs to reach me, or that I don't have an emergency myself.

- I dropped my phone twice. The first time I dropped it, the face cracked. Which is problematic when the face is the touch-screen. The second time I dropped it, the faceplate for the few actual buttons on the phone popped halfway out, and ever since it is slightly akimbo. Or askew. Whatever it is, it's fucked up. It is hit or miss as to whether I actually disconnect a phone call when I press "end call." I have learned to be amazingly careful not to bad-mouth anyone as soon as I hang up from them, because you just never know with my phone if they are still listening to me...not that I would ever bad-mouth anyone.

- The volume button has two settings: much too quiet to hear, and deafeningly loud. There are a million settings in between, but trying to set it somewhere in the middle requires the delicate hands of a surgeon. I don't have the sensitivity to set it at a moderate volume I guess.

- Here is the ultimate kicker: I got this phone a year ago, for a "discounted" price due to our every 2-year contract renewal. The "discounted" price was almost $500.00! I would love to know what the regular price is.

I hate my phone. I cannnot possibly live with it for another year. I am replacing it as soon as humanly possible.

Would love some suggestions on what type of phone to get (would LOVE an iphone but I am not on AT&T).

Would also love some creative suggestions on how to "kill" my current phone when it is finally replaced. I might even video its demise for all to see. It would be the most valuable thing I get from this phone, I think.