Sunday, September 18, 2011


Having a "day." You know the kind of day I am talking about. One of THOSE days.

A day where no matter how bright the sun shines, you just feel overwhelming sadness.

A day where nothing can cheer you up, not even the entire apartment smelling of freshly baked banana bread.

A day where you have a million things on your to do list, and instead you spend most of it in bed, with the covers pulled over your head, crying.

What? You don't have days like that? Okay....

I do. In fact, I was having a lot of days like that a few months back, when I could feel every single aspect of my life spiraling out of control. It was one of the worst feelings ever. It was a dark, sad, lonely place and it took a lot of hard work to pull myself out of that despair and get myself feeling "well" again. Day by day, week by week, the jagged puzzle pieces of my life started fitting back together, albeit in a new way, creating a different picture that I could accept and appreciate, and maybe even embrace.

I was getting better. I was feeling better. I was getting some control back. I was starting to feel like me again. I was almost - almost - feeling "happy," genuinely happy for the first time in years.

Those final few puzzle pieces were put in place a couple of weeks ago. Amanda has moved in with me and now lives here 99% of the time. Work is good. Amanda has started Kindergarten and seems to be enjoying it. Soccer has started, summer has ended, and we are starting to create a new routine. Our new reality.

And then, I have a day like today. And it scares the crap out of me, because it feels all too familiar. Amanda has just gone to bed, and I am staring at her backpack, knowing I need to get all of her stuff ready for school tomorrow. And, honestly, I can't do it. Packing her bag for school might as well be the equivalent of constructing a nuclear weapon. I can't do it. I don't know where to start. It is too overwhelming.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I was starting to gain momentum, I was moving forward, in what felt like the right direction, picking up speed every day. Until I ran straight off of a cliff and am now free falling into a dark pit of sadness. I've been in that pit before, and it is the scariest place on earth. I don't want to go back there, but I am falling and have no safety net to catch me.

Things happen. I make an error or a misstep. Most of the time, I can evaluate the mistake, learn from it, and move on. And then there are other times that I torment myself and wonder how I could be so foolish, how I could make such a radical error in judgement, and if I was wrong about THIS what else am I wrong about? I have a tendency, I've been told, for catastrophic thinking. When I am having a "day," like today, it becomes very easy for me to wallow in sadness and feel that every single decision I have ever made has been the wrong one. I get lost in the mistake and in the sadness, and don't know how to stop falling off of that cliff.

I have been so concerned about my daughter, and about all of the recent changes that SHE has had to go through - dealing with her parents splitting up, moving into a new home, starting a new school with new teachers, new faces, new friends, new routines. I have been concerned that it could all be too much for her and have been watching her extremely closely for any signs of trouble. It only just occurred to me today, as I wept this gorgeous fall day away, that perhaps this is all just a bit too much for ME.

Aside from my job, every single aspect of my life has changed since February. Every single one. I've been trying to roll with it all, I've been trying to be a good mom and a good employee and basically a good human being, but I really am having my doubts.

Some "days," days like this one, it is easy to feel like I am nothing short of a complete and total failure.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow brings new clarity. Because I cannot bear to wind up in that pit of sadness again.