Wednesday, May 27, 2009


As of tomorrow, I would have been nine weeks pregnant.

Just to even type that sentence is painful. I wrote it, and then had to take a moment and compose myself, choking back tears that I still have not allowed to flow.

Instead of being nine weeks pregnant tomorrow, I will be having the second D & C of my life. That would be two more D & C's than I ever imagined I would have. Especially since all of the so-called "experts" told me time and time again that I could never possibly get pregnant on my own. But that is a post for another day, when I can collect my thoughts better.

At 6:45AM, my cell phone rang. It was the hospital. First, I needed to give an in-depth interview to registration, so that they could gather all of my health insurance informational bullshit in preparation for tomorrow. Then, when I got through that literal wake-up call, the phone rang a second time. This time, it was a nurse, prepared to ask me a million questions about my medical history. What medications are you currently taking? Do you feel safe in your home at this time? Any history of heart disease? Etc. Etc. Etc. This line of questionning took nearly forty-five minutes, and all I could think about was what I was going to eat for breakfast once I hung up the phone.

The nurse went on with a description of what to expect in advance of tomorrow's procedure. No solid food after midnight tonight. Which is cruel and unusual, I think, given that the D & C is scheduled for 4:00PM Thursday.

She explained that they would give me something to numb my arm, in order to administer the IV. Then, shortly afterwards, I will be given anesthesia and be put "under." At some point during this part of the phone conversation I drifted far away, deep into my head.

You see, I am already numb. I know what to expect tomorrow; I've unfortunately done this before. In fact, I've done far too much of this before.

18 months of trying to conceive on our own.
3 full cycles on clomid.
2 IUI cycles.
2 hysteroscopies.
2 hysterosalpingographies.
1 exploratory laparoscopy.
5 failed IVF cycles.
1 chemical pregnancy.
1 successful IVF cycle that came THIS CLOSE to being cancelled. If it had been, I would not have my beautiful daughter today.
2 "surprise" pregnancies both resulting in a miscarriage at 9 weeks
1 D&C

I think I know what to expect for tomorrow's second D&C. What's more, I am completely numb to it all. I feel like I could do this in my sleep.

What worries me is what comes next. When the anesthesia wears off tomorrow, I will most certainly experience physical pain.

But what happens when this veil of numbness that I am feeling right now begins to lift? What sort of hellish emotional pain awaits me? More importantly, am I going to be able to deal with it?

Because, though I am trying with every fiber of my being right now to supress it, I am so full of hurt and sadness and overwhelming anger right now that I am scared. I am scared to let myself actually feel any of it, because once I let go I am not sure how I will be able to stop it.

I am mad as hell. I am as sad as I have ever been. Combined with about fifteen thousand other emotions.

So for now, I will continue to take care of my beautiful little girl and go about my day. I am going to hold onto this numb feeling for as long as I possibly can. Because not feeling anything sounds like a much better option right now than the alternative.