Tuesday, May 04, 2010


First, I must apologize for the old-school blog title. I have been feeling for a while now that my blog is desperately in need of a makeover but I haven't really had sufficient time to address it properly. Then, the other day, my laptop started making some ungodly noises. It was just sitting there, on its little IKEA laptop-table, and started making this horrific grinding noise out of nowhere. Or maybe it was a churning noise? Regardless, it was making sounds that resembled a washing machine, which probably is not a good thing. Time to start cleaning up the hard drive since I have about a million and nine photos and videos saved on it, mostly of my daughter.

That is when I came upon this picture, which I used three years ago as my blog design. So, yeah, I am recycling. For now. Until I have some free time on my hands to give it a true revamp, which will not be anytime in the near future. Free time continues to elude me.

...Which brings me to the point of this post. (God, I love when things can be tied together in a nice, neat little segue, don't you?...)

I need more time to get the things done in my life that I NEED to get done. I need more time to get things done in my life that I WANT to get done. I need more time to do absolutely NOTHING, if I so choose. But time is something I don't have nearly enough of. Better yet, I have time, but it is spoken for. ALWAYS, it seems.

I feel like I am constantly running around, doing this and doing that and never catching my breath, always longing for that very rare "day off" with nothing scheduled. And those days are fewer and farther between with each passing year. It is only May 4th, and Amanda has already been invited to four birthday parties this month. FOUR! And our May was already overscheduled. AND, she is only four years old! I can't even begin to imagine what things are going to be like when I am carting her off to her various sports and extra-curricular activities once she hits elementary school. Ack! All I have to do is glance sideways at the "May" calendar hanging in the kitchen and I get agida. Weekends - all full. Weeknights? MOSTLY full!

I'm so damn tired. All the freakin' time. And there is no end in sight. Ever ever.

Don't get me wrong - many of those plans are not simply obligations, but occasions or events that I am really looking forward to.

But I just have a hard time imagining waking up in the morning and thinking to myself "Hmm....what am I going to do today? What do I want to do today? Maybe I will do NOTHING today!" I crave that. I would kill for that.

And I am working towards that, wholeheartedly. Because recently I have started to introduce a new word into my vocabulary.


Tiny word that packs quite a punch.

A word I have a very difficult time saying.

I am a "pleaser;" I want to do my best to accomodate everyone. I want to be dependable. I want people to be able to rely on me. So I don't say "no" very often.

Never saying no works to my detriment...and, as I am learning, to the detriment of the very people I am trying to please. It has taken me a hell of a long time to learn this, but by saying yes to everything I wind up spreading myself far too thin. Duh.

I think for me it is a sense of pride; I have a hard time admitting that I can't do "it all." But - I can't. Or, to some extent, perhaps I can do it all, but at what cost? I'm exhausted. I'm resentful. I'm doing a lot, but not really doing any ONE thing well. And truly, where is there any pride in that?

I am so afraid of letting people down. SO afraid. So I say yes, even when I know what is being asked of me is next to impossible. As an unavoidable result, I am stressed out all the time. Which is ultimately only letting MYSELF down. For which I beat myself up, get depressed, feel guilty, and then vow to do better. And, by "do better," I misinterpret this as "do more." And the cycle continues.

Until now. I've already started saying "no" in situations that I never, ever used to. And it is GOOD. It is very, very good.

Here's the hard part though: acknowledging that I WILL in fact be letting some people down, and being okay with that. I have had people who are very important to me actually sit me down and tell me that they can SEE that I need to do less, that I need to cut back in certain areas in my life. Interestingly, though, when I attempt to "cut back" on anything that specifically involves THEM, I am pressured NOT to. I should cut back, but not where THEY are concerned!

Interesting, huh?

I have to take care of me, and my needs. Instead of trying to please everyone else, it is okay to admit "defeat" once in a while. It is okay for me to say "I can't do it ALL." It is even okay to periodically piss people off by telling them "You know what? I really just CAN'T."

This doesn't make me a failure. It just means I am not superwoman. And really, I am okay with that.

I'm too short to pull off that whole cape look, anyways.