Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Two thousand nine hundred and twenty two.

That is the number of days that I have been a member of the 'blogosphere.' Hard to fathom, truth be told. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, I've recounted the past eight years of my life on this little personal space of mine on the web.

The day I started blogging, I was living in Dedham. Today, I am living in Dedham. So, THAT is the same.

Pretty much everything else is different.

I was in a three bedroom house in Dedham when I started this blog. Today, I am in a two bedroom apartment.

Back then I was happy to be a wife. Today, I am happy to no longer be THAT wife.

Back then, I would have given ANYTHING to be a mother. Today, I am mother to the greatest six year old kid in the world. I'm not just saying that because I am her mom. I've done research, and it is a fact: she is the greatest kid in the world. Ask anyone.

From the time I started my blog up until now, the following has happened:

I have had approximately eight to ten surgical procedures all in one way or another relating to my ability to reproduce.

I built my dream house, customizing every single detail to my heart's content; I then painfully sold that dream house for a fraction of what we paid for it and threw more than half of the memories from that home out on the curb with the trash.

I had one chemical pregnancy and two painful miscarriages (both of which were resolved with a D&C).

I had a miracle baby. I've exhausted this story, truly, but if you've never heard it I am happy to share it with you here. In nine days that baby girl will be turning six years old and getting her ears pierced with "Hello Kitty" earrings. Wow.

In those past 2,922 days I not only became a mom, but I also became an aunt three times over to the two cutest little girls and the most adorable little boy in the world.

In those past 2,922 days I started running again - a goal of mine when I started the blog. In that time I slowly started doing 5K's again, then 10K's, eventually leading up to four half marathons and one full marathon. Full marathon number two, Boston, is on the horizon, if I can get my lazy ass back in gear!

I've watched both of my younger sisters grow and develop into inspirational women. They are both so different from each other in so many ways; they are both so different from me in even more ways. Even though I am the oldest, I am constantly learning valuable lessons from them. I see the world in unique perspectives through their eyes and their experiences. The three of us are so different from one another, and yet I feel closer to the two of them now than I have ever felt my entire life.

In these past eight years I returned to a job that I had regretted quitting. I held on for dear life to a marriage that I convinced myself was worth saving.

I lied to myself often. I was honest with myself often. I struggled always.

In these past 2,922 I saw the New England Patriots win the Superbowl twice. I saw the Boston Celtics win the Championship and the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup. I even saw the Boston Red Sox win the World Series TWICE. The series win in 2004 was one of only two times in my life that I ever saw my husband cry.

I saw my dad have a heart attack and survive. I saw Anthony's dad have a heart attack and survive. I saw my baby sister get married to one of the nicest people I know.

I changed a million diapers, having never changed one until one month before my daughter was born (when my sister forced me to practice on my godchild).

I've done a bunch of things that I won't speak about that I regret and I wish I could take back.

I've done a bunch of things that I won't speak about that have made me truly and completely know what happiness is.

I've laughed harder than ever before. I've cried more than I ever thought was possible. I've had moments where I have never felt so proud of myself. I've had moments of shame that have made me want to curl up and die. I've had moments where I have felt invincible. I've even had a nervous breakdown.

But I'm still here. For better or for worse, I am still here. For the longest time, I've felt like this life I started to carve out for myself was purely a life of survival. Dodging bullets, overcoming obstacles, a one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, one-day-at-a-time kind of life. Many days it still feels that way.

Except that something changed in me somewhere in the past few years. At some point, I started to demand better. I don't want to just survive this life.

I want to thrive in it. I don't want this life to just "happen" to me. I want to have some say. I don't just want to experience all that life has to offer: I want my life to be about what I have to offer it.

So, for now, I plan to keep blogging. It is a constant, in my world that is ever changing, it is always there. Before facebook and twitter and all these other wanna-be social networks, there was my blog. It is like my own little table tucked away in a cozy Starbucks; familiar, warm, friendly, inviting, always there, and almost always someplace where you are bound to run into a friendly face with words of encouragement.

For those of you who have been reading for the past eight years, I owe you.

Big time.