Friday, September 10, 2010


An update (of sorts)...

Last week, I declared "war" on a long-term relationship of mine, and (as I put it) I fired the first shot. I want this relationship to end.

As is always the case with break-ups, it isn't going to be as neat and pretty and easy as I had hoped. I am praying that this isn't long and drawn out and ugly, but it is starting to seem that it is more likely to go that way. And, really, I shouldn't be surprised. It is par for the course when it comes to this particular relationship.

I had an opportunity on Wednesday to see where that 'bullet' that I fired landed, to see if it hit anything. I can be an impatient person; I am an instant-gratification type, and when I make my mind up about something I want it done and taken care of and resolved. By Wednesday afternoon, I realized that permanently ending this relationship is going to take a series of mini-battles. It is not going to be taken care of in one fell swoop as I had been hoping.

Again, this relationship is not with a person. People have asked me if it is my job (no), my Starbucks addiction (ha ha - no), amongst other things. While I still am not ready to get into specifics*, please know that I am confident that I am doing the right thing. I am taking the first steps in the break-up process, and will have more answers in a few weeks. Actually, I should have some clear-cut action steps in a few weeks. It pains me to have to be so patient, but I am moving in the right direction to achieve some peace, and that in and of itself is reason to feel optimistic.

*apologies for the vagueness. I am walking that strange line where the purpose of my blog is at odds with the nature of it. I have used blogging for so many years now as a journal; when something is on my mind - good bad or otherwise - having the blog available to me to sort out my innermost feelings has been therapeutic. But because it is a blog and not a private journal with a lock and a key that I can hide in the nightstand drawer, I cannot always be as open as I would like. I absolutely hate having to censor myself.

I used to not; anyone who read my old blog (from 2003 to 2006) knows that I put it ALL out there with no filter whatsoever. The problem with that, though, is you just don't always know who is reading, and when it is online it could be ANYONE.

Long story short, I need this blog, still. I need an outlet, somewhere to spew my angst. But there are times I am going to have to be more vague than I would like, and for that I am sorry. I am not trying to tease, I am just trying to be cautious while selfishly clearing my head. I promise when I have concrete answers I will tell all.