Sunday, June 07, 2009


They say time heals all wounds. I am not sure if that is true or not, but I am pleased to report that I am doing 100% better than I was at this time last week.

It could be that enough time has passed that I am able to put the events of the past few weeks behind me.

It could be that I am off medication, off "recovery time," and starting to get my old life back. Things are starting to get back to normal, though I am sort of forcing them to be. I need normalcy SO BADLY that I crammed about a week's worth of "normal" activity into this past weekend.

Whether it is the distraction tactic (definitely working) or the time factor, I think I am okay.

I never did have that big cry, and while it still could sneak up on me and hit me out of nowhere, I really don't think it is going to. I am surprised to admit that I may not NEED to have that big cry. I have cried so many tears in the past seven years during this odyssey, this crusade. I think when it comes to the topics of "pregnancy", "infertility", "miscarriage", "ivf", etc...well, I think I am all cried out.

If anything positive has come from my latest miscarriage, it is this: I officially have closure. I know that the seven year tour of hell I have travelled is finally over. I will not ever have my heart broken again by a failed IVF cycle, or by a painfully sad ultrasound. I am officially done.

It seems SO ridiculously ironic that, given my history and my medical status, I will be seeking some form of permanent birth control in the very near future. But, as I told my ob/gyn the evening before my D&C, "we all need to recognize our limits. I firmly believe that I reached my limit the last time I miscarried. This is now overkill. I know in my heart that I can't EVER go through this again. And, more importantly, I am okay with it."

And...I really am. I am okay.

In fact, I am more than okay. I feel as though I am reborn; I feel like this enormous cloud has been lifted. I feel like I have been living in a depressing fog for the past seven years, my thoughts and my emotions muted and grey. Infertility: the gift that keeps on giving. But I am finally going to take control; I am no longer at the mercy of this "condition" I have been suffering. I am done, and it feels fantastic. This chapter of my life is finally finished, and I am closing the book on it for good.

Knowing that makes every day feel better and better. Today, in fact, was one of those days where simply feeling the warm sun on my shoulders, simply breathing in the fresh spring air, simply "existing" felt exhilirating. Today was a wonderful day, because today I didn't have to think about anything other than how good it felt to just be.

Here's to a lifetime of more days like today. And here's to putting the past firmly behind me.

Here's to finally feeling okay.