Sunday, September 26, 2010


I have writer's block.

Well...maybe that isn't completely accurate. It is probably better to say that I have writer's fixation: I have only one topic I am able to write about these days, and yet I still can't say much about it, which is annoying both to me and to the reader.

I have started several posts over the past few weeks, on various topics: the loss of my mentor, thoughts on Katy Perry, how it feels to run 20 miles....and all of these posts are still sitting there in my blogger dashboard, unfinished, in their "not yet published" state. It makes me sad.

There was a time I updated my blog on an almost daily basis. I can point to two main reasons that this has changed - I was going through a deeply painful time, so I had a lot of 'material' to work through on my blog, and at the time there was no such thing as 'facebook.' The main problem with facebook is that even though I can (and do) update there not just daily, but often several times a day, it is mostly with inane nonsense. When I used to frequently update my blog, I did so with thoughtful purpose. (Usually.)

I'm having a hard time updating my blog because I am once again going through something rather difficult, but unlike in the past I am not at liberty to fully discuss it. It is what I most need to write about, what I most need to work through, and yet I am unable to do so.

I am so frustrated about this. On top of being so frustrated with this situation I am dealing with.

I have days that I want to close this blog down, and start a new anonymous one so that I can write freely and not have to worry about who might be reading. But at the same time, that is really not who I am or what I am about. This is me, warts and all, and you don't have to like it and you especially don't need to read about it. That is ultimately how I have always felt about this blog - this 'journal' exists for me and for my benefit, and anyone else that is feeling voyeuristic and wants to come along for the ride, do so at your own risk.

That being said, I am hoping that this week is going to bring me some much needed answers. I have subtly (or NOT so subtly) referred to the situation I am dealing with as an impending break up, and in a way that is EXACTLY what it is. I am trying to end a difficult relationship for once and for all, and the steps to do so are not easy. It is a very big deal - a VERY big deal, to me. I did get a few answers at the beginning of last week which are narrowing down my options, helping me determine the path I need to take. I expect to get one final, BIG answer, this Wednesday. Once I do and once I know how I am resolving things, I will be able to talk. It will feel good to be able to write again, about the serious and the mundane and about everything in between. I look forward to it.

I look forward to finally getting some answers this week. It will be nice to stop having to be so cryptic.